When I first started this blog, I promised that it would be totally honest and personal...highlighting the glamorous and not so glamorous parts of leaving what you know behind and committing to long term travel. Not gonna lie, it's kind of scary being so honest and open online, and some people might find it annoying or lame, but to those of you who actually take time to read my blog, or are reading for the first time, I hope my honesty will help you in some way. It might make you feel not so alone, it might inspire you to step out of that comfort zone, or it might make you realise some things about yourself. Whatever it does, I hope you can take something away from this post. If you don't, that's fine. You can just learn more about me, lucky you!
I guess I’m writing a post that I wish I had found online to read when the travelling all got a bit too much. It's difficult to find reassurance through social media because people rarely ever post about their failures or crappy feelings. So if you’re a traveller feeling lost, confused and anxious about the road ahead, I can promise you're not alone. Even if you're not travelling at the moment, sitting in the comfort of your own home, everyone can use some reassurance at times.
In all honesty, my blogging has taken a back seat lately because overwhelming anxious feelings have been overpowering my creativity and motivation. So, I want to take a break from writing about my SE Asia adventures and reflect on what I’ve learnt through the rough patches. As well as reflecting upon my amazing experiences, I also want to highlight the struggles that come with them.
Despite the stunning waterfalls, beaches and smiles on Instagram, I’m not always having fun. Moving to the other side of the world and settling can be incredibly rewarding, but my god it isn't easy. I'm still far from settled, and know it's going to take me more time. I've been in Australia since the 17th December and just the other week, the only thing I seemed to be sure of was that I wanted to come home. I miss my family, I miss my friends and I miss the comfort of having a routine in a place I know well. Transition phases at the beginning of a new chapter are always difficult.
When things don’t go as smoothly as you’d hope, or you find yourself feeling down and overwhelmed, it’s easy to assume that those around you are doing so much better at life than you are (especially on social media). It's also easy to let social media get into your head and make you feel shitty. But as I mentioned before, people online rarely post about their failures. I tend to forget this. Don't let the internet rush you! No one is happy all the time, everyone goes through shit. That's just life.
The thought of setting up a life over here on the other side of the world is pretty overwhelming (I seem to like this word) and some days I wake up thinking I'm not capable of it at all. But going home right now would be the easy option, and always picking the easy comfortable option will never let you grow (ugh so cringe sorry, someone take this keyboard away from me). If you’re a bit of a perfectionist like I am, it’s common to blow your problems way out of proportion and forget to look at the bigger picture. It's also easy to have some meltdowns... of which I've had many. I tend to worry too much about the future and constantly wonder if I've made the right decision. Whilst thinking like this isn’t the best way to solve your problems, it’s totally normal.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, making a decision in the first place is often half the battle. It's then up to you to make it the right one. Anxiety is part of life, it affects everyone and comes in waves. I’ve always been a pretty anxious person, even when in my comfort zone...so leaving home, travelling through Asia and moving to the other side of the world alone has been one big emotional rollercoaster.
I left home to solo travel because in some ways, I hate routine. I hated the idea of settling down straight after university and joining the 9-5 rat race in a city I already knew well. Travelling gives me the thrill of waking up and not knowing what I'm going to do or where the day will take me, and I love that. Whilst travelling through SE Asia, I didn't have time to think about the future because I was always busy doing incredible things. The lack of routine has been great, but the dust is now settling, the money is running out, and I'm over it. I’m ready for routine. I’m craving routine. I’m ready to find a job I like, move into my own room, stop living out of a suitcase and make some money. I mean, I also really don’t have a choice because I need a source of income to survive.
Creating ideal situations in my head about how I picture the next chapter of my life to be makes me feel better and gives me hope. It’s good to do that! It’s motivation. But actually getting there is a whole different battle, especially for us anxious over thinkers! When I'm faced with adversity and having a crap day, this is sometimes how it goes: I think about every situation negatively, overthink until I can’t think anymore, believe I’m not capable and lose hope way too fast when things don’t fall into place as easily as I’d hoped. Then, I get annoyed at myself for being so negative and feel even worse. I know, awful! But sometimes that’s just me. I tend to be very hard on myself at times, and I guess I need to cut myself some slack. It's hard to snap out of these moods when they hit, but surrounding yourself with the right people and keeping busy is the key to moving forward.
Slowly but surely, I'm starting to embrace the bad days as well as the good. It's crap at the time, but feeling bad makes you learn a lot about yourself. It also makes the good days feel that much better. Rather than fighting them, I'm acknowledging the negative thoughts and training my mind to always look on the bright side. Easier said than done, but I'm getting there! Even though it's been a bit of a bumpy start out here, mentally and emotionally, I know that things are going to work out how they're supposed to. Yes, we have to plan and make decisions, but there's only so much planning we can do. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to stop worrying, take a step back, and just let life happen.
Big love,
Belle x
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