Being in your early 20s in 2020, some stuff you should hear

Remember when you were in school, and you thought people in their 20s were fully-fledged adults with a firm grasp on life?

When I was 12 or 13, 23 sounded like the age when I’d probably get that thing called a mortgage and move in with my Orlando Bloom look-alike boyfriend (I was obsessed with Orlando Bloom when I was 12… literally obsessed.) If someone told me when I was 12, that 23 kind of feels like being the new kid in school all over again, there’s no way I would’ve believed them. Yet here I am, stumbling nervously into my freshman year of adulthood, wondering why Orlando Bloom hasn’t called me yet.

Remember when we were all ringing in the new year of 2020?

If someone had told you back then, that in a few months, the only thing you’d be looking forward to is the next time you’d be able to hug your friends, you’d have laughed in their face. Yet here we are, missing our friends and loved ones terribly, wondering who we can trust to give us a desperately needed haircut.

If I’ve learnt anything over these past 23 years, it’s that life is full of surprises. Things rarely go to plan.

No one thought 2020 would take such a drastic turn, but it has. As the world gradually transforms into a beautiful new normal, we’re all figuring out our own coping mechanisms. Navigating through life in your early 20s is hard enough as it is. Throw a global pandemic in there and what seems like the most confusing time of your life just got 10 times more confusing. Or did it? Maybe we’re off the hook? The whole world has kind of stopped, does this take the pressure off? Or does it make it worse? The fact that I can’t tell speaks for itself. It’s a weird time, it’s a weird age and life feels like one big weird question mark.

This post is for all my fellow 20-something-year-olds who are transitioning into the thrilling world of adulthood during these unprecedented (starting to really hate this word) times. Then again, it’s also for everyone. These circumstances are hard at whatever age. These words stem from my own personal battles and reflect honest, raw emotion in all its enthralling complexity. Remember, you’re not alone, and things will get easier. I know, I’ve also heard that line way too many times, and sometimes find it hard to believe. Deep down we know it’s true, but we often forget all too easily.

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

According to that Blink-182 song, nobody likes you when you’re 23. But, really? No, obviously not. But it sure can feel like it sometimes, especially right now. Life after university isn’t all that kind to us. We’ve followed all the rules up until now, why is it so damn hard? We have some ideas about which direction we want to head in and what we want our lives to look like, but we’re never really sure of anything and the path to get to where we maybe want to be looks totally overwhelming. We literally have a million options about what we can do with our lives but none of them seem that appealing. Do we get a ‘real’ job? Move out straight away and pay extortionate rent we can't afford? Travel? Settle for any job because we have no money?

We’re in heaps of dept, relationships are changing quickly and you start to feel a little lonely. You might start to notice the aches and pains you didn’t think you had, and realise you really can’t hack the hangovers as well as you used to. You also know you’re getting old because you don’t understand teenagers any more. How are some 15 year olds making millions off this app called TikTok and I’m still living with my parents drowning in student debt?

We’re still growing into our adult persona, and we have harsh perceptions of ourselves as our insecurities may surface again. The midweek session with all your mates sadly doesn’t seem justifiable any more and we’re kind of expected to have a plan in some shape or form.

The word ‘career’ terrifies me. We’re just getting used to the idea of having a full-time job, a ‘career’? No thanks. Everyone is, however, on a different timeline. People will shine at different times. Some people shine a bit earlier than others, but your time will come. Anxiety arises when you compare your own timeline to someone else’s. Be proud of them, and keep preparing yourself when your time to shine comes around. Then again, even when your time does come, it won’t feel like it because you’ll already be looking for the next opportunity. We’re always moving our own goal posts, so it’s hard to feel like we’ve actually gotten anywhere when we achieve an accomplishment.

So, enjoy the present. Celebrate the small victories you accomplish each day. It can be your time to shine every single day if you want it to be.

This will come easier as we learn to love ourselves again and grow beautifully into our new adult lives.

We’re just entering the job market and are brand new to the adult world. But be careful, because not everyone is nice. Say goodbye to the nice teachers and tutors at university who always wanted to help you. In the adult world, people don’t really care about you. I mean, they do. But not in the same way. You’re going to be put down a lot and feel really stressed out from these new pressures. There are also going to be sharks in the water that want to feed off your naivety and kindness. Inevitably you’re going to make mistakes. But that’s okay. It’s how you come back from them that really matters.

It’s also okay to have absolutely no idea what to do. Just take the next step that seems the most right at this moment in time. We have this time in our early 20s to fall down and get back up again.

Time Anxiety

Whenever older friends ask me what I’m doing with my life, and I say I’m kind of still figuring it out, they’re never judgemental and don’t seem particularly stressed. They always say,

Oh, that's okay, you have so much time!

Well, yes, but also… no.

Everyone knows that our minutes on this earth are limited. Life has an expiry date. We might not realise it, but most of the time, this is the root of all our anxiety. Time is precious to us, and we’re stressed we won’t be able to fit in everything we want to achieve and do in the short time we’re given on this earth.

Why do you think so many of us are feeling down during these unprecedented times? Because we feel like we’re missing out on so much that life has to offer. And, well, we are. It’s true, we’re never going to get this time back. But gradually, things will keep getting better and you can shift your perception of time. Try to see this time as a gift and remember that the way the world is right now isn’t your fault. No one is to blame, and you can’t control it. Find comfort in this downtime.

The world has slowed down, so slow down with it. Just because you’re slowing down doesn’t mean you’ve stopped. Reflect on your achievements so far, and remember what you’re grateful for.

The Confusing Paradox

To my fellow 23 year olds, does anyone actually know what the heck we’re supposed to be doing right now? I just turned 23 a few weeks ago. God it felt weird to write that. It feels even weirder to see it written out.

Being a young adult, it’s when anxiety hits. We realise that we’re never going to feel this young and vibrant and adventurous forever. 23 is a weird one. We’re no longer fresh out of university, but damn straight, we’re still young and seeking something thrilling. We find ourselves in a confusing paradox. We’re stuck between figuring out what really makes us happy and what we think others think makes us happy. I know, that was a gross sentence but I hope you get what I mean. You might not, and that’s fine too. As I mentioned before, these words stem from my own personal thoughts.

I know they say you shouldn’t care about what people think about you and just do your thing. But this is difficult, especially when entering the adult world. People’s opinions actually really matter and making good impressions can open up opportunities.

We need to care about what people think, but for the right reasons.

We don’t want to settle down too quickly because we’re afraid this means we’ll get stuck, wake up one day and be 40, asking ourselves why the hell we didn’t live it up more in our 20s...but we’re also desperately craving a comfortable level of stability, financial freedom, and independence whilst we thrive in a dream career.

Greater meaning in life stems from these complex paradoxes. As swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung says,

Oddly enough, the paradox is one of our most valuable spiritual possessions, while uniformity of meaning is a sign of weakness Carl Jung

In other words, the paradox sheds brighter light on the unknowns than clarity, and we need to be comfortable living with this tension.

Enjoy the ride, but stop thinking you're special.

Thriving in a dream career when you’re 23 is unlikely for most. Your interests will change. You’ll start something you thought you loved and realise you actually hate it. You’ll work really hard and handle so many rejections to realise what you thought you loved actually doesn’t matter to you any more. As humans, we are in a constant state of change.

Growing up is hard. Adulthood is wonderfully exciting, ridiculously confusing and sometimes you just have to laugh your way through it. Especially right now. One thing this crisis has taught me is that we’re not as special as we think we are.

We really need to try and let go of our egos and stop taking ourselves so seriously all the time. The world is so much bigger than us, and those who believe they’re special and entitled to more are going to struggle.

Just because you’ve followed all the rules up until now doesn’t mean someone’s going to come along and hand you your dreams on a platter. If you’re like me, and don’t have parents with a million connections who are working in the field you’ve decided you’re interested in, you’re going to have to work your butt off. Be prepared for that, but don’t let it scare you.

It’s okay to be really crap at something and still do it anyways. This is something I’ve struggled with because I’m a bit of a perfectionist and find it really easy to be burdened by my own expectations. I find it hard to feel proud of myself because I always think I could have done better. Striving for perfection is great, but it also isn’t achievable. If you can get as close as perfect as you can in the time you’re given, that deserves praise and you should give yourself a break. The hard work and failures are all part of the fun. Where would the excitement be if life was already planned out and easy?

Thought patterns in the time of COVID19.

2020. What a year. If you’re in your early 20s, unemployed, poor, living with your parents, still figuring out what next steps to take, have just lost your first job, then welcome to the land of limbo. In fact, that message goes out to everyone. I think we’re all feeling like we’re in the land of limbo right now.

During this new normal of social distancing, we’re spending a lot of time with ourselves. When I’m not eating and drinking, I sometimes find myself just staring out the window trying to comprehend what the hell is going on. Listening to loud music on my headphones reminds me of going to gigs and festivals, surrounded by all the people I love. A pang of sadness pulls on my heart strings. How we all desperately want and need this to be our reality again. Dancing in your bedroom alone, or with your family isn’t really the same. The thought that there might not be any live music events for at least a year makes my heart ache. But just think of all the amazing music that’s being produced right now. We’re in for a treat.

This new normal is starting to feel surreal. We start analyzing our thoughts and think about things in ways we didn’t think we could. Unable to let off steam and feel re-energized through social events, we’re becoming strangely used to our own internal dialogue. Because we’re spending a lot of time at home, in front of our screens, we may become more aware of our insecurities. With less distraction, I tend to fixate on my insecurities at times and end up feeling pretty down. This is normal though! It’s easy to become more self critical when you’re spending more time alone with your thoughts.

The starting blocks of your 20s, you'll launch, and you'll return.

23 is a weird age. We’re adults, entering the world of work, but inside we feel like clueless, vulnerable children all over again. All we want is for our mums to hold us tight and tell us everything is going to be okay.

Our feet are on the starting blocks, but we’re hesitant to launch. Or maybe, we’ve already launched but we’re wishing we hadn’t. Was this fast desire for financial freedom and independence worth losing a sense of myself?

We’re wishing we’d spent more time thinking about the best direction whilst our feet were still planted. Now it seems too late to go back. Or, if you’re lucky, you’ve launched and everything is great. But you’re apprehensively waiting for something to go wrong.

The way I see it, throughout our lives, but especially throughout our 20s, our feet are going to be leaving and returning to these starting blocks a lot. So, you better get used to it. You’ll spend years studying, land the job, then realise you actually hate it. You’ll fall in love only to realise that the one person who wasn’t meant to let you down probably will.

Remember that no matter what age you are, it’s never too late to crawl back to the starting blocks. If the transition into adulthood was smooth sailing, free from any trials and tribulations, then where’s the fun? Every 20 something year old will go through a stage of coming home every night bitching endlessly about how much they hate their job and their boss over a glass of wine with their mates. We need to become comfortable with this and understand that it’s okay to have a bunch of random jobs before we find our thing.

It’s also important to remember that ‘passion’ and ‘career’ don’t always have to go together. Yes, you should get into a field of work that you’re good at and have interest in, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be your ‘passion’.

It’s important to find hobbies and interests outside of work. For example, some of my hobbies include songwriting, singing, blogging, travelling, making short silly films… but I never get paid to do any of these things.

The saying ‘do something you love and never have to work a day in your life’ is a bit unrealistic if you ask me. Doing something you really love for work is great, but because you love it so much, the failures and struggles are going to hit really hard. It will be some of the toughest work you’ll ever face. But, you’ll know you’re passionate about something when the failures feel less like failures and more like learning opportunities to become better.

With a lot of hard work and dedication, yes, I could maybe turn one of these passions into full-time work and make money to live. But, for now, I do these things because I enjoy them, and doing something because you enjoy it is definitely a good foundation for success. If I can share my creative passions with the world and make some people smile or feel something, then that counts as success. It also counts as success if you only do it for yourself. If you find yourself doing stuff you enjoy during this period, then that absolutely counts as being productive.

Keep your curiosity and creativity flowing, be open, and take care of your body. Make things just for the sake of making things, limit your screen time, read stuff you wouldn't normally read, reach out to friends, try new things and be bad at them.

No one really knows what the future holds, and I don’t know about you, but I’m riding this time like I’m on a surfboard. Some days I feel balanced, steadily gliding forwards, and other days I fall off and the water crushes me. Then again, I’m riding each day on this surfboard. My feelings fluctuate in a matter of hours, sometimes even minutes.

To my fellow 20 something-year-olds, this is hard, isn’t it? Take each day as it comes and remember, things will be fine.

Big love,

Belle x